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Week 25

Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 25. So I was talking a couple different people about my Friday blogs recently. I have to say I was a little shocked to even hear from a few people that they struggled to read them or even chose not to read them. So let me start from there. In the beginning I didn’t know where this 52 week journey would take me.  All I knew is that I had to find a way to overcome the hatred of this day that took the life of my child. I had to find a way to personally overcome and rationalize my own feelings that made no sense in my current state of utter dissolution.  What I have since learned in my journey thus far is how often grief is frowned upon or simply ignored, often like trying to openly educate our children about sex.  But why? Am I not NORMAL??  Is MY grief not NORMAL??  Why is it not okay to be in touch with our emotions and feeling and educate ourselves with how to cope with these emotions so we can be more productive human beings?  Is it possibly because these emotions are so raw that most don’t know how to deal openly with them, or simply chose not to?  That it makes one feel uncomfortable?  Think about it – it makes total sense. Whether the loss was sudden or you were able to anticipate it, as soon as you found out that someone you love was dead or dying you began grieving. If ever a rationale for temporary insanity was needed, one could certainly be found among the range of reactions and emotions associated with grief and loss – shock, numbness, sadness, despair, loneliness, isolation, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, irritability, anger, increased or decreased appetite, fatigue or sleeplessness, guilt, regret, depression, anxiety, crying, headaches, weakness, aches, pains, yearning, worry, frustration, detachment, isolation, questioning faith – to name a few. Understandably, many will find it hard to acclimate to these emotions.  Some may simply chose not to accept them as they are.

To simply describe it, one minute you’re walking along like normal and the next minute you feel like something unexplainable has invaded your body and your actions and reactions have become totally unpredictable and confusing. This is when you really start to feel crazy (you’re not). Friends don’t know what to say to you anymore. You’re confused about your purpose. Everything you knew about life has changed. You’re worried you are alienating people by talking about your loved one and the death. (At least I know I do. Myesha this, Myesha that.). You’re questioning your faith and life’s meaning. The experience of grief challenges our deepest sense of who we are. In the beginning you feel totally out of sorts – you feel like lashing out at everyone, crying over everything, wearing the same clothes for a week, INSANE. The first few weeks are foggy. You wake up each morning thinking maybe it was all a bad dream and you stumble through the day trying to make sense of life without your loved one. Just when you start to get a grip you are forced to step back into your pre-grief life. Like you are just supposed to pick up and move on like nothing happened. It seems absurd that the world would keep moving in the face of your tragedy, but it has. Life is forever changed and things feel meaningless, gray, and empty. You feel as if no one could ever possibly understand what you are feeling.

In search of something familiar you look to your primary support system, your family and friends, but they seem changed as well; some avoid you, some dote on you, some are grieving in ways you don’t understand, and some are critical of the way you are handling things. Everyone is searching for the “new normal”. But will there ever really be that “new normal”?

Grief looks different on everyone because we all experience grief in our own way, but on some level we all struggle to understand ourselves and the world around us in the face of profound loss. But the one thing I have learned is that you should not try to tolerate all of your sadness at once. Your body, mind, and spirit need time to work together to embrace the depth of your loss. I now realize it could take years before I will fully be confronted with the depth of my sorrow. The slow-growing nature of this awareness is good. I hope that my Friday blogs touch those who have been impacted by such grief in a way to let them know that all the emotions that they have kept bottled up for so long are not just your own.  You are not the only one who feels this way.  You are NORMAL and it’s okay to have these emotions.  You are not crazy. As for me, I will continue to be patient with myself.  For I am growing too.  I can chose to either turn away from my own grief in denial or turn towards my inner feelings with compassionate, attention and a willingness to allow what I am feeling to be just that…..NORMAL. FIM <3F Mommy Love You Myesha!

 

 

 

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Week 24

Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 24. So today is the first day of the New Year! 2015 was by no means a great year. In fact, it downright sucked!! Divorce. Death of a child. Failed realtionships. A year of self recollection and soul searching for my meaning in life. So 2016 will bring a year of learning to be more gentle with myself. This year I’m sure will bring another year of milestones on a long list of milestones, unknown to me at this point. While everything still feels so raw at times, the New Year brings with it a strong bittersweet sense of past and present. With 2016 now here, I have now officially crossed over to adding the phrase, “last year”,when discussing Myesha’s death. That is time’s cruel way of forcing you to keep going. Pushing you violently in the back through life when you don’t want to go or you’re just not ready. Somehow making it a static event in time. And, because time passes, and the years turn, I have no choice but to be expected to keep moving on. Like time would just be so gracious enough to stand still and let me escape deep into my thoughts and memories until I’m ready to move on. To somehow find a way to cross over and to choose life and meaning over death and tragedy. Time is a great healer, but it is also a thief – it dulls the pains and the memories in equal measure. There is grief in that too.
For my dear friends and family who have stood by me and supported me thus far, with everything from simple text messages, to late night phone calls, to times of just letting me be alone, although this is not my norm, but may in fact be a part of my “new normal”, I can not thank you enough. I realize that the death of Myesha has not only impacted my life, but the lives of those around me. In a weird way, I’m glad. Her death has cause us all to step back and reprioritize our lives. To refocus on what’s truly important to us, and to let go of things that otherwise are not. It’s times like these that you realize that we are truly all in this together.
When you have lost someone dear, you hold on to all that reminds you of them. You cling to it and so desperatly crave it. Like air to your lungs, you take it all in, in big deep breaths. Even in tragic death and devestating circumstances, the events of 2015 will hold precious, precious memories that I will cling to forever.
So I will go into 2016 and try harder to keep balance in my life. …”to focus on finding joy in the mundane and the profound—joy in the small things that make my children smile, joy in the moments of friendship that might otherwise pass by unnoticed, joy in the ability to appreciate the gift of life in a way I never did before.” To appreciate the little things in life and not take them for granted. To live each day. To be able to set attainable goals and stay focused. To find success by solving problems in a constructive manner. To find happiness and use my abilites to keep hope alive and never lose it.
Happy New Year to You All. Sending BIG HUGS to all!! Happy New Year in Heaven Myesha Reed Mommy loves you!! FIM <3 F

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Week 23

Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 23. (So I’m blogging a day early so I can enjoy Christmas tomorrow with my mom, Chloe and Corban.) I have so quickly learned that grief has a nasty way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. It can ruin even the most joyful moments. Like when you go to the donut shop and usually buy everyone 2 donuts so you always have to buy the dozen box because that’s “8” donuts you have to buy. But now you only have to get the half-dozen because you only need “6” now. Yep, that happened to me yesterday. I had to fight back the tears. Then wrapping presents, fight back the tears. Then wrapping the “Christmas Eve Pajama box”, (drumroll for our big tradition), now feeling my chest tighten, my breath quicken, still holding back tears. Then I’m sitting in church last night and Paster Mark is preaching about our eternal goal is to just “GET HOME”. H-O-M-E. It made me think hard. You know they say “Home is where the heart is.” Well that eternal home is where a huge piece of mine is right now. It’s an ache that perpetually aches in my body. In my soul. Down deep into my bones it does.
We bought a candle last night at Yankee Candle called “Angel Wings” to burn for the next 2 days in Myesha’s honor. I bought an extra 1 to burn next to my bed in the evenings. Hell, if I was thinking I should have bought the whole shelf because now I have anxiety that I will grow custom to that smell, think of her, and not be able to buy that candle anymore. So is my life. I accept that I am a bereaved mom.
I stayed up until 3am this morning and made this montage. I watched it more times then I will even be able to count. Then it happened. I cried. Not just “shed a few tears like I always do” cry. I cried harder than I have in a long, long time. Ugly cry. The kind that makes you gasp for air and then start that horrible gagging because it has now taken over your body and your need to expel it out. Yep that kind. The kind that hurts so bad your throat burns and you feel like you’ll never catch your breath again. (I am so thankful at 2am my cousin Dawn Hill answered her phone and didn’t mind me ugly crying for an hour with her.)
All I can ask myself over and over again is “WHY ME???” “WHY MY CHILD???” This is not the life I ask for. This is not the fairytale ending we all want for our kids. Living without your child is painfully hard. It also brings with it a painful since of loneliness. You see because no matter “how good” life is. I can’t help to wonder how much better life would be with her here again right now.
What I can say is I am a better person for knowing her, loving her, and missing her. I love deeper. I love stronger. During the holidays, or any day for that matter, I am still eternally grateful that I was chosen to be her mother. Merry Christmas in heaven Myesha Reed. Mommy loves you so much. FIM <3 F

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Week 22

Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 22. 17 years…sigh. For 17 short years, I had the great joy of being Myesha’s mother and looking forward to the joy of Christmas morning with this sweet little girl. I was reflecting on the late nights of preparing Christmas cookies and milk for Santa. The parental stress of trying to get her to go to sleep so I could pull out the presents that were stashed and hidden, wrap them if they weren’t already, and place them under the tree. Oh my gosh…THE BATTERIES!! HOW DO I ALWAYS FORGET BATTERIES!! Last minute run to Walgreen’s to buy batteries. Then the panic sets in. Did I forget anything else?? As I rush home to finish my Motherly/Santa tasks.
Some years it took most of the night, and it seemed no sooner I had closed my eyes, exhausted, I was awakened by sequels of anticipatory joy, “SANTA CAME MOMMY, SANTA CAME!!!” Back out of bed I go, lol. Sleep deprived and exhausted, yet the smile on her face and twinkle in her eye always made it worth it each and every year!! While I will miss the sound of her voice next Friday on Christmas morning, her spirit will be surely be alive in our home. Mommy loves you Myesha Reed! FIM <3 F I WILL BE THERE Mom, tomorrow I will be there Though you may not see I'll smile and remember The last Christmas, with you and me Don't be sad mom I'm never far away Your heart has hidden sight My memory will always stay I watched as you touched the ornaments Sometimes a tear was shed as you did I touched you gently on your shoulder And on tiptoes I proudly stood I'm only gone for a little while mom I'm waiting for the day to be When God calls out your name mom We'll be together, just you wait and see But until that time comes Carry on as you did when I was there I tell the angels how much I love you There are angels here everywhere! I stand behind you some days When I know that you are sad I want you to be happy mom It would make my heart so glad So on this Christmas Eve, Mom Think of me as I will be thinking of you And touch that special ornament That I once made for you I love you mom I know you know I do And I'll be waiting here for you When your earthly life is through Love, Your child in Heaven Myesha Reed

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Week 21

Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 21. Have you ever been so afraid of failing at something that you decided not to try it at all? Or has a fear of failure meant that, subconsciously, you undermined your own efforts to avoid the possibility of a larger failure? I’m sure we can all answer “yes” to this at some point in our lives. But at some point we all have to overcome our fears of failure and at least try. Both of my girls are blessed with the gift of song. Each one has a style all of their own, but stage fright always holds them back from exploring and pursuing their talent to achieve greatness. At the end of the day, it’s not about being the best. It’s not about taking 1st place. It’s about overcoming your fear of failure and at least trying. When it’s all said and done, it never matters to me if anybody else thinks they are “The Best” or not. They will always be #1 to me. It takes a lot of inner strength to get up on a stage, by yourself, in front of an audience and sing. Myesha finally overcame her fears in middle school and made the final competition in her High School talent contest 2 different years. I had forgot about this moment until her Godmother, Bobbi Jo Dixon, reminded me of it a few weeks ago and luckily still had it saved from when her and Sharon Coupland went that night to support her. Be still my heart. <3 I remember Myesha trying to decide what song to sing for this showcase. She loved “Pink”!! Hell, we all love “Pink”!! In fact, this was the CD I found in her CD player after she died. She said this song in particular reminded her of her dad in so many ways so she wanted to sing a song that meant something to her. Good girl!! It was a last minute song change literally 2 days before. She practiced and practiced in the living room in front of me and her sister. She was so nervous that she would forget the words or screw up. I told her it didn’t matter. That she was talented enough that even if she did, she could always just make the song her own and wing it. She did just that and pulled it off. I was soo proud of her that night and I still am today!!! She didn’t win with the judges. But she of course won 1st place with me!! Why??? Not because I’m her mother and that’s my job, lol. Because she tried. She overcame her fears. That’s what it’s all about!! Don’t ever let anyone tell you you can’t do something, or you’re not good enough. That is their own self-doubt. I believe if you put your mind to it, you can achieve whatever you put your mind to!! So today I challenge each and everyone of you to do something that scares you. Do something you never thought you can do! Prove everyone wrong, but most importantly, prove it to yourself that you can!!! Chloe was selected for a solo part in her Christmas performance next Thursday! I can tell you already, that she will be the best singer on the stage!!! In the words of "Pink", "That last kiss, I'll cherish, until we meet again...my darling...WHO KNEW..." Mommy loves you Myesha Reed and Chloe Wiley, my beautiful ROCKSTAR singers! FIM <3 F

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Week 20

Forevery In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 20. So here we are. The month of December. The Christmas season is upon us. The kids and I managed to go out and get our real Christmas tree Wednesday night. The kids picked it out and Corban was such a “little man” helping carry the tree and tie it to the top of the van. It was surreal. We did it without “her”. He was oblivious to the emotions Chloe and I were feeling. But we got it home and got it set up. Now will come the time this weekend to pull out the bins that are individually marked with each child’s name that are full of all the ornaments that the kids collected and made over the years. Of course will come the the point where we will have to look and that bin marked “MYESHA” and figure out what to do next…
You see for a bereaved parent, this time of year most likely will not be the season of Yuletide-cheer it once was. The anxiety of the looming holidays will be downright debilitating. I’m quite sure surviving it at points will feel virtually impossible. This is now our new holiday reality. For now anyways.
I expect there will be times that it will be excruciatingly difficult, and might feel more like torture, unlike the average person who has the bubbly feelings of ‘Happy Holidays!!!’ All I have to do at this point is survive. Only I get to decide how best to do that. It will be my new job. No one else’s to figure out. I have come to accept that my heart is the one that is broken beyond repair.
Keyword: SURVIVE
A wise person once told me, “Being able to hold space for contradictory emotions at the same time is a sign of extraordinary emotional maturity. It’s true. You’re not crazy– even though you may feel like it– you’re extraordinary.”
Grief is unpredictable, exhausting, confusing and messy. No one, no one, no one, had the relationship I did with my daughter. No one will feel the exact same piercing agony, pain and longing I do for her. No one will ever imagine how much I cry, and I cry ALOT. How much I cry out, begging her to come home. Come back to me…..
Tis the season. Reflect on your past. Embrace the present. Look to the future. Have you righted your wrongs??? Do you feel good about who you are right now and the direction your life is taking you? Words for thought today.
If I only had more time…Mommy loves you Myesha Reed. FIM <3 F

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Week 19

Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 19. So it finally happened. Our first holiday without my daughter. I dreaded this day for some time. I had a lot of time to think about what it would be like without her. I feel like there are so many memories that were waiting to be made that are gone now. A lifetime of memories that could have been made that have been taken by death. But as the day came and went, it was truly a beautiful day. The kids and I, and my family, truly enjoyed ourselves, and I could feel her presence all around us! It is now that I reflect that SHE is what I am thankful for. It’s not that I will ever forget that, but sometimes it is hard to think clearly through all the pain and tears in my heart. Because even though my heart is broken, it is also full of love. Our bond will always be at the top of my list of things to be thankful for. I am thankful for being her mother, and having her as my daughter. I will always reflect on the good times that we had in our lives. Overall, SHE made my life better and she made ME better. Her life may have been short, but we have wonderful memories together. These are memories that death will not steal away from any of us. Memories that I still have captured on camera and video and so many more that I can only hold in my mind and heart. All of which I will never forget. Since the holidays continue to approach, I encourage each and everyone of you to make your own memories and make them special, and make them count. Capture as many as possible on camera and video and take the time to slow down with your busy schedule and capture each moment and embrace them as they come. All too often life moves too fast we take the little things for granted and we miss them. As parents we always dread the fact that our children may pass before us and we always push the thought to the back of our minds that their death will never happen to us. But the fact and reality is, it can. I implore all of my fellow friends and family to take the time to enjoy these holidays with your children, and with your loved ones, and just take a second to just slow down, sit down, and just watch and enjoy these moments because such are the moments that you will be able to capture in your heart and cherish for the rest of your lives! I hope each and everyone of you had a beautiful Thanksgiving as we did! Mommy loves you Myesha Reed FIM <3 F

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Week 17

Forever In My Heart Friday. 17 weeks. On this date today Myesha officially passed her Driver’s Ed course and got her driver’s license. I will never forget when I picked her up from the class she got in the van and was crying. I was instantly fearful that she had failed the course and my heart sank into my stomach. I asked her what was wrong and how she did. She could not respond because she was soo full of emotion. I finally pulled over to calm her down and make her talk to me. She told me she passed. Whew! But she was sad because her dad was not alive to share this moment with her. I will never forget that moment. I will also never forget the moments to come with her as a young driver. We would have so much fun on the road. I would often make fun of her driving and pretend that I was on a roller coaster ride and throw my hands up in the air and yell “Weeee” when we would drive around, lol. It was not uncommon to find us with the windows down, the sunroof open, the music as loud as possible, and our voices singing just as loud as we could driving down the street. Man….did we love to sing! Not only that, we sounded sooo good together! Throw in her sister Chloe Wiley and it was a concert in full effect!! We never cared that people stared at us. In fact, it would just make us laugh and sing even louder! I’m sure that all of Myesha’s friends, whoever had the opportunity and great privilege of riding in the Lexus, could attest to the great fun she would give them in those times riding around in her car! I would love to hear about these moments if you would share those in the comments below it would bring the biggest smile to my face today! Whether it’s the name of a song, or a funny dance that she did, please share it with me! Today I share with you a Vine video that one of her best friends Whitley Spratlen made on one of those hillarious and silly days that brings such joy today! Just hearing her voice makes my heart full! Mommy Loves You Myesha Reed!
FIM <3 F

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Week 16

Forever In My Heart Friday. 16 weeks. ASKING FOR PRAYERS TODAY!!! So I’ve had very little sleep due to the fact that Chloe Wiley has to have arthroscopic surgery this morning. She injured her knee over the summer and we have been left with no choice but this decision. Needless to say, we are apprehensive and extremely nervous at this point. They say this is a minor surgery, but of course nothing is minor in our lives anymore when it comes to surgery. More than anything, I know that Chloe wishes Myesha Reed could be here with her today. You see these two girls, even though they were five years apart, you would think they were more like twins. I guess that’s what the bond of sisterhood does. I often laugh to the fact that it was pointless to buy a crib for Chloe because Myesha would take her out and put her in bed with her every night, as if she was a baby doll. It used to scare the crap out of me! Lol! But somehow they managed to make it work. Those two maked it work up until the point that she left this world, even if they were squeezing into a full size bed lol! They say when you have a sister it’s like having that forever best friend. What can YOU say about the bond between you and your sister?? So even though Myesha is not here today, we know that she is our guardian angel and I have been talking to her all morning, and asking her to give her sister a sense of peace today so that she’s not so nervous. But most importantly, to watch over her, the way big sisters are supposed to. I love you Chloe. Everything is going to be fine. I promise! Mommy loves you Myesha. FIM <3 F He said to her, " Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." Mark 5:34

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Week 15

Forever In My Heart Friday. 15 weeks now. Trick or Treat, Smell my Feet, Give me Something Good To Eat!!!! Oh the things our kids would say on Halloween night to get a bag full of goodies to bring home so that as parents we could go through each and every piece to make sure they were safe so that they could fill their bellies with candy! Out of all my children I can say that Myesha truly loved Halloween the most! She took great joy in decorating the house, carving pumpkins, and picking out the most perfect costume each and every year! Her favorite costume was one she picked out in high school as Batwoman, and she wore it for several years! I’m sad today because I’ve spent a lot of time looking through every photo album, boxes of pictures, flash drives and old laptops, and I cannot seem to find any more pictures of her in costumes. But my friend reminded me today that back when she was little we didn’t have the technology that we have today with camera phones. We had polaroid pictures that were quite expensive and disposable cameras that were equally expensive to not only purchase, but to develop. This makes me sad now. So as we venture out tomorrow to take our children Trick or Treating, don’t feel bad for taking tons of pictures and sharing them, because those will be your memories to cherish years from now that nobody can take away from you! Be safe out there. Happy Halloween in Heaven Myesha, Mommy loves you! FIM <3 F