No matter how hard we try to always be in control, the truth is life is going to bring a few setbacks. It’s in these moments life is going to flat out suck. It’s going to hurt like hell and leaves us wondering why we are even alive and what our purpose of living is. So with such great adversity, how do we deal with such hell? The answer is with great humility. Let me further explain. When moments of life bring us to our knees, it’s different than just lying down and taking it. We are left dead in our tracks. Confused by the unfairness and outrage of what is happening. We realize that we are at the mercy of something so much bigger than our ability to understand and comprehend. It’s often a very numbing experience that sucks the life out of us and leaves one feeling completely powerless. In order to move to a true place of healing and optimism we must sub-come to the defeat and all the feelings that it brings. Never dismissing the disappointment and despair. We are left at the mercy of a reality that will bring feelings of insignificance and failure. In these moments we will be left feeling so small.
For most of us, it’s in these moments that we will try to self medicate Some drink. Some stay in bed and sleep as much as possible. Some try to find ways to stay busy so that they are not left to the demise of those thoughts and feelings that torment and haunt. Why? Because damn it, “We didn’t sign up for this!!” Some may think that it’s unproductive to whine and complain. Well, I beg to differ. There is a since of relief that comes from bitching. To let ourselves genuinely release all the build up of frustration, anger and disappointment. To just vent and get it all out so we can finally catch our breath and pick up the pieces of our shattered lives and move on.
Nothing I have ever experienced comes close to the unspeakable pain of holding my daughter’s lifeless body in my arms. I needed to kiss her as much as possible. I needed to talk to her even though there would never be a response. I needed to have hope that she could still hear me in some “angelic way”. To brush her hair from her eyes. To feel her curls between my fingers one last time. To hold on to that feeling in fear that I might forget someday. Still looking for that last miracle. That last hope that the machines were wrong. That the doctor’s were all wrong. That if God truly heard my cries that he would come and majestically provide “miracle of life” that I begged him for. But the humbling truth was, Myesha was no longer in her body. Her chest was not moving. Her spirit had moved on, and as I held in her my arms, I knew that this same little girl that I only had the joy of sharing 18 years with, now was gone.
When your child dies, all the theories you once had about life, like “Things happen for a reason” vs “There is higher power” quickly turns into a debate. After Myesha died, I heard all of them. It’s like we need to find a way to justify what has happened. Really? Is this really “God’s will”? Its “God’s will” that the doctor’s did not listen to her cries of pain. That the “qualified” professionals that we relied on to make her better, did nothing more than neglect her, belittle her, doubt her pain and in the end took her life. In my eyes, it was nothing short of murder. So all I’m left with now is some bullshit consoling statement of apology. A “everything works out for the best,” “at least she’s not in pain,” a “God must have needed her in Heaven,” I call bullshit on it all. I call bullshit on that “master plan” or “destiny”. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe there is a reason, a life lesson, if you so choose to call it that. But reality is there’s no answers that make us feel any better. Death is an ugly and horrifying mystery. We just want to know where our child is. We quickly become humbled in the search for truth. The theories about and life and death make no since. Losing a child forces us to fight through the despair, the disillusionment, and all the beliefs we once had about “Dying before you children,” or the “forevers,” and leaves us feeling disorientated and deeply sorrowful. This is where you learn to find strength in humility…..