The toughest part of the day seems to be when everything has slowed down. The work day is done, multi-tasking has ended, and now the only thing you can think about is your child. The loneliness creeps in, leaving behind despair and memories you struggle to hold on to. The grief from losing a child depletes your energy to the point of exhaustion. You never forget the gut wrenching pain you felt as you stood helplessly and watched your child die right in front of you. It’s a nightmare that you learn to live with each and every day.
I will never forget the paralyzing flood of thoughts and emotions from those last 37 hours as my world came crashing down around me. My brain trying desperately to keep up with everything that was happening. There’s no way to adequately describe those frantic, disorienting moments other than to say it was a terrible personal Hell that I’d never wish upon anyone. Those moments will always be as vivid as if they happened yesterday. Like a movie put on “Replay”, it never escapes far from my mind.
When your child dies life as you once knew it is no longer. That stained glass window to your soul has been shattered into a million pieces. All you can do is lie down, be still in your thoughts and try not to move so that the glass doesn’t cut you anymore than it has. The shattered pieces of your heart have left you with nothing more than utter confusion, disbelief, turmoil, and pain. Finding the strength to get up and put yourself back together is a journey that takes time, faith and courage. It’s finding that “glue” inside yourself and turning that broken heart into a most beautiful mosaic. Never the same. Forever changed. Those shattered pieces that you “glue” back together are a marker to all you have endured. The edges will always have a sharpness to them however, that will never change. Those sharp edges are your constant reminder of how fragile life is and how deeply it can cut even the toughest of hearts. But unlike before, you will shine from different angles. The sun will reflect a new image of strength. You have grown more than you can imagine. This reconstructed mosaic piece of art, known as your heart and soul is a beautiful tribute and also a heavy toll that you learn to live with.
The truth is, the idea that my child will one day be forgotten, is one of my greatest fears. Letting go, in any capacity, is going to feel like the ultimate betrayal…