Week 20

Forevery In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 20. So here we are. The month of December. The Christmas season is upon us. The kids and I managed to go out and get our real Christmas tree Wednesday night. The kids picked it out and Corban was such a “little man” helping carry the tree and tie it to the top of the van. It was surreal. We did it without “her”. He was oblivious to the emotions Chloe and I were feeling. But we got it home and got it set up. Now will come the time this weekend to pull out the bins that are individually marked with each child’s name that are full of all the ornaments that the kids collected and made over the years. Of course will come the the point where we will have to look and that bin marked “MYESHA” and figure out what to do next…
You see for a bereaved parent, this time of year most likely will not be the season of Yuletide-cheer it once was. The anxiety of the looming holidays will be downright debilitating. I’m quite sure surviving it at points will feel virtually impossible. This is now our new holiday reality. For now anyways.
I expect there will be times that it will be excruciatingly difficult, and might feel more like torture, unlike the average person who has the bubbly feelings of ‘Happy Holidays!!!’ All I have to do at this point is survive. Only I get to decide how best to do that. It will be my new job. No one else’s to figure out. I have come to accept that my heart is the one that is broken beyond repair.
Keyword: SURVIVE
A wise person once told me, “Being able to hold space for contradictory emotions at the same time is a sign of extraordinary emotional maturity. It’s true. You’re not crazy– even though you may feel like it– you’re extraordinary.”
Grief is unpredictable, exhausting, confusing and messy. No one, no one, no one, had the relationship I did with my daughter. No one will feel the exact same piercing agony, pain and longing I do for her. No one will ever imagine how much I cry, and I cry ALOT. How much I cry out, begging her to come home. Come back to me…..
Tis the season. Reflect on your past. Embrace the present. Look to the future. Have you righted your wrongs??? Do you feel good about who you are right now and the direction your life is taking you? Words for thought today.
If I only had more time…Mommy loves you Myesha Reed. FIM <3 F