Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 26 Loss is the involuntary separation from something we have possessed and perhaps even treasured, or someone we love and care about. Everyone experiences a loss at some point in their lives – whether it is major or minor. Loss is universal. Everyone is born, ages and dies – it’s the “natural order” of things. Right?!?! That’s what we are taught. Right?!?! Well, I’m going to call it nothing short then what it is….BULLSHIT!! The “natural order” concept is nothing short of false teachings and brutal lies. We have been taught to associate death with old age, but death occurs throughout the life span. It can happen at ANY age. So why do we not teach our children this? Why do we give them false hopes that we as their parents will live to very old? That we will never leave them as children when they need us most in life. Why? Because we as adults have been taught that the natural order is for parents to precede their children in death. Lies! All lies!! So with those lies that have been embedded into our minds comes a false since of the types of grief that comes with death. Grief is as unique as the person who experiences it, just as your fingerprints are unique to you. Losing a parent, love, child or friend is all different. You can’t compare your loss to others’ loss. Its apples and oranges. You feel a loss how you feel it, not how someone else feels it. There is no right or wrong way to feel after you experience a loss.
Just 9 days after Myesha’s 16th birthday her father, at the age of 44, died suddenly of a massive heart attack. I will never forget the way my child laid across his body in the hospital crying out, screaming, and begging him not to leave her. It was so gut wrenching that there was not a dry eye in the room. The nurses had tears streaming down their faces and at that point and I was in utter shock. My heart ached just hearing my child in a way that I had never heard her before. When it came time to turn off the life support I made her leave the room. She was forever changed. When he died he took a part of my daughter with him that day that I would never get back. Our lives were forever changed.
Less than 2 years later I would be brutally forced to be in the same place Myesha was, and feeling the same wave of emotions she felt, as I laid in a hospital bed with her in my arms begging her not to leave me the same way she begged her father. Life support was nothing short but a brief chance to feel her warm skin against mine for just a few minutes longer until the inevitable time approached and I had to tell them to turn the same exact machines off….. When she died, she took a part of me with her that day too. Once again, lives were forever changed.
When a parent dies, we lose the chance to show them the people we become as we get older. We lose the ability to learn the wisdom their age and experience brings. Opportunities to make them proud are over. When your child dies not only has the death violated “natural order” of things, where the young grow up and replace the old, but your personal identity was tied to your child, and a part of that now dies too. A parent’s love for a child is perhaps the strongest of all human bonds. You must now readapt to a new and seemingly illogical reality that even though you are older and have been the protector and provider, you have survived while your child has not. Then the reality kicks in that you will never watch your child move forward in life. For me that meant no college graduation, no wedding, no grandbabies.
Grief and loss is different for everyone based upon not only the age in which the person died, but also your relationship that you had with them. So if the factors involving death are different, then each person’s reactions in dealing with death should be nothing short of unique. An important part of healing is discovering the role your loved one will play in your life after their death. To restore your capacity to love you must grieve. You can’t heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal. Expressing emotion is how the body and mind process and relieve the pressure of intense or overwhelming emotions. In the end, you will never be the same, but you will begin to accept the death of your loved one, cherish deeply the memories you had with them, and find a way to continue to live. FIM <3 F Mommy loves you Myesha and I’m glad you have your Daddy with you in Heaven!