Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 28. Grief is one of those emotions that have a life of their own. It carries every feeling within it and sometimes there’s no way to discern it. In coming to accept that we no longer have control over what happens to us, we realize that what we once knew we no longer can know. . The slow-growing nature of this awareness is good.
At first you hold on very tight, afraid if you let go your loved one will disappear completely. You hold on to items (not crazy), you leave rooms untouched (not crazy); you pay their cell phone bill so you can continue to hear their voice on their voicemail (not crazy). Believe me, I pay Myesha’s cell phone bill every month faithfully. While her SIM card my not be in there anymore, just hearing her voice and always hoping that maybe she will answers gives me a since of peace. These things are not crazy and some of them you may continue to do forever, but somewhere you will eventually let go of as your grip slowly loosens and you realize that nothing short of amnesia could make you really let go.
Then there are the good days when you allow the light to come in, in the midst of it all. Like the sun breaking through the clouds after a long snow storm. The world unthaws and you start to find beauty peeking through in places you would never have expected it. Your season of grief has left you weary but stronger and as you walk out into the sun and you look up towards the sky with your eyes closed to feel the warm rays against your face. If only for a short while, the relief of not having the overwhelming sadness consuming your body that particular day is nothing short of relief.
The greatest thing about death is that it helps us grow up. It matures us. It brings wisdom. It strengthens our bones. It teaches us to let go of the things we have not control of in life. I have tried to learn to embrace those days and not to feel guilty. Life is to be lived, because one day we too shall die. Our happiness never really went away—it still exists inside of us—yet, we are remembering it anew. Fresh, transformed, aliveness engages us again. Be patient with yourself. Embrace the good days, because slowly, ever so slowly, the faded colors of life will become more vibrant. In the end it will make you…a little bit wary, a little bit wise, and a little bit crazy, well maybe a whole lot of crazy lol, but that’s okay of course! Mommy loves you Myesha!!