Week 31

Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 31. Weeks, or often months, will pass before you are fully confronted by the depth of your sorrow. I often experience emotions like a wave – the emotion will build, crest, and recede. This shocking reality is that these emotions can be so difficult to comprehend. And sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. It’s hard not to think of the child you lost when everything reminds you of them. The death of a child holds the utmost profound effect on even the most stable of people. This is how it feels, blankness, numbness, nothing.  As if something strange has happened, and you are not really sure what. Numbness is a natural self-protecting and coping mechanism that allows you to go about the other activities in your life. After the numbness wears off you go through anger, grief, and finally acceptance. Each one coming in waves. Unexpectedly. Although there were many weeks of despair that seemed to bleed together, there were days in between however, when I did experience joy and even happiness. Those are the days you cherish and try not to feel guilty about.

But I have to agree with the statement that Grief is Grief. Whether you’re going through the emotions of the death of a loved one, a break-up/divorce, or a change in life as the way you know it. One thing that can’t not be taken for granted is that the human heart is precious. When we truly love or care about someone unconditionally, your feelings are the most vulnerable. When you’re heartbroken and missing someone you used to spend so much time with, you feel so many different and complicated emotions. You struggle with overwhelming feelings of powerlessness; frustration that it’s not within your control to make things turn out the way you hoped for or desired. I have brutally come to understand that these feelings of powerlessness are subtle reminders that I don’t always have complete control, and unexpected outcomes will tear through every layer of even the strongest of hearts. That you must try to find solace in life again, and in yourself. To be able to accept that you have no choice but to carry on with life as it is now, even though you don’t want to without them. To “keep moving forward”, if you will. There will be times you can’t tell if it’s killing you or making you stronger. It’s like a flower that yearns for the warmth of the sun until it blossoms completely. Eventually every last petal will drop. FIM heart emoticon F Mommy loves you Myesha!!