Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 33. As I sat at my son’s music concert last night I was washed over with a whole new sense of emotions. Mostly frustration, fear and anger. Yes anger!! I realized it at the point I wanted to lash out at total strangers that my perspectives in life have truly changed. As I was recording Corban singing on stage there were 2 little girls, probably ages 3 and 4, and their parents sitting behind me. The girls were so obnoxious and loud that it made it hard to focus. Hard to even hear the children on stage perform. I know that when I go back and watch the recordings I will be able to hear them loud and clear in the background and it just pisses me off!! It was at that point that I wanted to turn to the parents and say, “Listen, if you can’t keep your children under control them please take them out. Because I’m trying to record my son performing and God forbid he dies like his sister, this will be a part of the only memories I will have of him and you’re children are ruining it!!!” Yes, it took everything in me to not say this!! I could feel my blood pressure rising through each and every song….
To lose a child is to lose a part of life that can never be replaced. Basically, you’re a total mess. There is no “fairy tale” ending. Some days the only word we can use to describe ourselves is “lost.” The void is forever there. Feelings of disconnect, loneliness and empty inside. Burning a hole in your soul. A hole that will never be filled for as long as you live. All too often it takes great courage just to get out of bed and face life head-on because some days the reality of her being gone is just too much. Our world has been shattered. It hurts too much. Constantly lost in thoughts of how life used to be, and how it should be with her alive and you are left feeling helpless. Not knowing how to find hope in your life on some days. You are sad most of the time, even though you don’t show it. A mask that is worn very well now. No one else can bear the burden to an identity now gone. Shattered in knowing that the labor of your deepest love, your most sacred creation has now disappeared. Going through life broken in so many different ways and it breaks you just a little bit more to see others moving on.
Nothing makes sense at all anymore. There are no words, only tears. Your thoughts are never far from your mind. Never forgetting the adventures you had together, the laughter, the memories, the love, and the grandiosity that your child made in your life and who you are now. They live forever in your broken heart. A heart that doesn’t heal or seal back up. And although there is hope, it is not the hope you want. Because when you experience true grief, the end result is grief will never be able to sneak up on you again. Why? Because it forever remains at your doorstep. Letting go of who you thought you were in order to make any sense out of the meaningless tragedy of death. But grief also keeps your child’s love alive in you. It extends the meaning of her life into the world in the most powerful and meaningful ways now. So with that, your child’s death will guide you for the rest of your life. But what a privilege to feel so deeply.