Week 39

Forever in My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 39. When I blog about Myesha, it’s not to get sympathy, but to keep her memory alive. When you are able to speak of your child after death it keeps their presence with you from far across the boundaries of the point where life meets death. It is a way to honor them, and a way to honor your own personal feelings. It gives them back a voice in a world hell-bent on forgetting. When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, you slowly realize you are indeed healing. I wish I could tell you that grief gets easier. That the terrible ache to just see your child one more time will become less with time, but I can’t. All too often you feel empty on the inside, but not in your mind. You simply learn to live with it, walk with it, and carry it. It becomes part of who you now are as a person, a friend, as a mother. I’ve learned that it’s okay to mourn and to be sad, disappointed and even angry. The permanence of losing a child shatters the core of your very being. You learn to accept that it’s okay to feel many different emotions all at the same time. Some of those emotions may even contradict themselves and that’s okay too. There are so many moments when I wish I could bring her down from Heaven and spend the day with her just one more time. One more hug. One more kiss. One more song together. One more chance to say “I love you”. This is what hurts the most. So to make the memories last, I need to hear the stories. The tales of days that forever more will now be nothing more than cherished memories. It’s often hard to sub come to the fact that I will never be able to make more memories together with her like the ones I did when she was alive, therefore, it’s important to make the memories last. Speaking her name, hearing her name, is like music to my ears. But for all the time I did have with Myesha, I am grateful. I would have rather had her as my daughter for 18 years then to never have had her at all. Yes, I say that a lot. Regardless of the sorrow, the sleepless nights, I would rather her be my daughter and I be her mother always. While most women will say there is not greater pain than to bear a child, I say there is no greater pain to lose one to death. I have become someone I never thought I would be. A Grieving Mother. FIM <3 F. Mommy love you Myesha!