Week 40

Forever in My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 40. What did I do to deserve this life? Why me?  Thoughts that can’t be avoided when suffering strikes. As a result, I am left to live a life of unanswered questions. Unanswered questions that impact the way we feel about God and his mercy. I constantly search my conscience for some sin in my life that God must be punishing for. The constant questioning of “What is God trying to tell me through all my pain?” It leaves me feeling numb. Questions unanswered that often make me question God’s fairness. If, in fact, God is all-competent and all-powerful, doesn’t that imply God controls every detail of life? Why doesn’t God intercede on a more regular basis to save us from an endless ocean of grief that accompanies events like the death of a child? The Bible says God sometimes chooses to use the worst human suffering imaginable in order to achieve his great purposes, his pre-designed purposes if you will. To change us for our own good. God allows suffering to occur because he is actively involved in bringing redemption through our sufferings. That’s why we must live in faith, trusting that there is significantly more going on in our lives than what we can see. That’s why we must believe and trust that everything that is happening, everything that we are going through at this very moment is all a part of a greater plan. A plan that he has predestined that again will bring us into a state of happiness and joy. Holding onto my faith has been a struggle, but to live without it, is unthinkable.

But because I grieve, and I know deep sorrow, I also know unspeakable joy. I’ve clawed my way from the depth of unimaginable pain and suffering. So when joy does come, it reverberates through every pore of my skin and warms my soul. I feel all of it, and deeply at that.  I grasp on and love inequitably, without regrets. Because there is nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, I take for granted. Living life in this way gives me greater joy than I’ve ever known possible. The joy I experience now is far deeper and more intense than the joy I experienced before my daughter died. Such is the alchemy of grief I guess. I do believe God gives use “signs” if you will as to His greater purpose. But in the mean time I have no other choice but to become accustomed in learning to live in that “state of grace”. That transient encouragement from above that eventually I will discover my true purpose in life. Mommy loves you Myesha. FIM <3 F