Week 43

Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 43. “I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish, I wish tonight.”  If only life was that easy, right?? Reality is there is no star that can grant your truest wish. There will never come a time where I won’t think about whom my daughter would be or what she would be doing if she were here today. I wish people could understand that grief lasts forever because love lasts forever; that the loss of a child is not one finite event, it is a continuous loss that unfolds minute by minute over the course of a lifetime. The truth is that the factors that influence the course of our lives are bigger and more mysterious than what we will ever have any control over. Every missed birthday, holiday, weddings that will never be, grandchildren that should have been but will never be born– an entire generation of people are irrevocably altered forever.  How will I live with this loss? Will I survive this sadness? Will I ever love again? Who am I now? In what manner will I go on? How do I want to spend what’s left of my life? How can I honor my loved one’s life? And death? Is there more? What is the meaning of living? How can I find fulfillment now? Why am I here? Sure, it is unlikely that your loved one would want an avalanche of guilt entombing you with your grief. You have enough rebuilding to do, you had to watch a city crumble. Yet finding that purpose to keep going is a daily struggle at times.

Some days we’re fooled into thinking it has quieted down and will remain that way. And, then we’re hit full force with a tidal wave of tears and anguish and we’re knocked flat from the painful force of grief. The hole in our heart is reopened and we suffer the raw pain of loss all over again. The grief caused by death is not only painful but profoundly disorienting-children are not supposed to die. Thus, we as bereaved parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died. After a child’s death, parents embark on a long, sad journey that can be very frightening and extremely lonely- a journey that never really ends. The hope and desire that healing will come eventually is an intense and persistent one for grieving parents. Grieving parents are “survivors” and each survivor travels this lonely and painful road in a way that only we can map out. In traveling this road, parents often respond differently, learn to live with their grief separately, and express their sadness uniquely. Grieving parents can and often do feel alone, disconnected, and alienated. This is why grief lasts forever. The ripple effect lasts forever. The bleeding never stops. Even when you are surrounded by loving and caring family and friends, you may still feel isolated in your grief. Your loneliness may be accompanied by a physical aching sensation. Your heart may literally hurt and feel as if it is breaking. It’s as if you have lost control of yourself and your emotions. Sometimes you fear you are losing your mind or sinking into a “deep hole.” You may feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness. There is no “moving on,” or “getting over it.” There is no rainbow, no fix, and no solution to my heartache. There is no end to the ways I will grieve and for how long I will grieve. I will grieve for a lifetime. Mommy loves you Myesha! FIM <3 F.