Week 46

Forever In My Heart Friday. Week 46. If your best friend died today, what would you do? The shared secrets that will now linger as nothing more than treasured memories. The painful goodbyes etched into Facebook walls. The text messages exchanged come to an end. Seems like yesterday at times that you just talked to them, remember? You just saw them, don’t you recall? How is it they are no longer breathing the same air your stinging lungs are grasping for? But the reality is that it’s been 329 days now. How long is a 329 days? It’s both an incredibly long time and no time at all. When something exciting or awful happens, you’ll immediately want to tell them and hear their reaction to the situation. Then your heart will sink a little, and you’ll have to tell someone else, but someone else just won’t get it, so it’s not worth it. Reality has slapped you in your face and left a sting. You realize things will never be the same. Sobs and hyperventilation create a language only the heartbroken can understand. That’s when you lose yourself. You break down. I am talking can’t-utter-a-single-syllable, barely-able-to-gasp-for-breath, legs-incapable-of-supporting-you, hands-trembling, stomach-aching, eyes-swelling, stage five level of loss. Left with no choice but to feel it. Feel every single solitary fiber of inconceivable misery. You are never going to see them again. Ever. Staring at the face of reality that their voice will never fill the space between your ears. Attempting to remember their eyes. Their smile. Their mannerisms. Their presence. Sadness so great you emotionally cut yourself until you can see the bone of your soul. Unable to save yourself from the anguish.  Nobody else is going to save you either. You are left knowing you have to be your own hero. Talk yourself down from that ledge. Squeeze your pillow tight on the nights that your thoughts seem to burn like a shooting star in the night sky, making that wish that will never come true.

If I could speak to myself one year ago today, I’d have a lot to say. That version would never be able to fathom the loss I was about to experience. And never could I predict the journey I would begin the day my daughter, a best friend to so many died. Myesha was a wonderful friend to so many. As I watch the posts on her Facebook page from her friends, it warms my heart. So I send a heartfelt “Thank You” to each and every one of her friends that reach out to me through text messages and Facebook.  Letting me know she is still with you. That you feel her presence. You all know I was a mother to all of you and that will never change just because your best friend, your sister is gone. The thing about life is that all of us are going to experience great loss, if we have not already. Nothing anyone could have said could have prepared us for this, but I believe I have learned these lessons to help others; whether it is to cope with grief, or how to live life more fully.