Week 48

Forever in My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 48. This past week has been nothing short of surreal. I have found myself pushing others away and just trying to get through each day.  I’ve only worked out one time this week, outside of the classes I teach, because I just can’t find my motivation to get out bed right now. It’s almost been a year now and I still find myself asking the same questions over and over again: Why do I still feel so much pain? When am I going to get through this? Why can’t I just find some sense of normalcy? I try to find ways to keep myself busy. But it never really makes the time go by faster; it just makes each day seem more and more meaningless. At my quietest moments I realize I am more lost than I have ever been in my entire life. No one has the right answers anymore. No sense of closure. I pretended like everything is okay because I don’t want to appear weak and vulnerable. I don’t want others to worry about me or cause more pain and anxiety by letting them know I sometimes feel as if I’m in the midst of an extended marathon of emotional breakdowns, consequently building an emotional dungeon around myself. I’m sure that those who are close to me can see my broken heart, as they say it changes us both emotional and physically. What a difficult and frightening journey. This is not only the hardest thing that I’ve ever been through; it is also the hardest thing that I will ever go through. A form of peace, knowing that anything else that’s thrown my way will be nothing compared to what I’ve went through since the day she had that ankle surgery. Or is it??

Myesha had her ankle surgery June 29th 2015. Through a series of recent events that not very many know about, Chloe will now have to undergo foot surgery June 28th to remove a growing cyst in between her 3rd and 4th metatarsal. Exactly one year later I am now being thrown in the midst of an emotional hurricane that I am not equipped to deal with. As I try to remain calm and strong for the sake of my daughter who has already had multiple anxiety attacks since we got the news from the MRI and saw the surgeon. But I find myself at this point completely numb to it all. An emotional response that I realize is not fair to Chloe, but the only way I can deal with it right now. Again completely unfair. I try to reassure her that everything will be fine. But I myself cannot come to grips with the reality and surrealness of the situation. I get it. I’m not expected to be perfect. My experiences have made me unique. I am more seasoned, complicated, and intricate. These struggles in life are constantly challenging my character. But I just wish God would show a little mercy right now and cut me some slack. So next Tuesday, if anyone remembers, a few prayers our way would be greatly appreciated. Mommy loves You Myesha! FIM <3 F