Month: December 2015

Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 23. (So I’m blogging a day early so I can enjoy Christmas tomorrow with my mom, Chloe and Corban.) I have so quickly learned that grief has a nasty way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. It can ruin even the most joyful moments. Like when you go to the donut shop and usually buy everyone 2 donuts so you always have to buy the dozen box because that’s “8” donuts you have to buy. But now you only have to get the half-dozen because you only need “6” now. Yep, that happened to me yesterday. I had to fight back the tears. Then wrapping presents, fight back the tears. Then wrapping the “Christmas Eve Pajama box”, (drumroll for our big tradition), now feeling my chest tighten, my breath quicken, still holding back tears. Then I’m sitting in church last night and Paster Mark is preaching about our eternal goal is to just “GET HOME”. H-O-M-E. It made me think hard. You know they say “Home is where the heart is.” Well that eternal home is where a huge piece of mine is right now. It’s an ache that perpetually aches in my body. In my soul. Down deep into my bones it does.
We bought a candle last night at Yankee Candle called “Angel Wings” to burn for the next 2 days in Myesha’s honor. I bought an extra 1 to burn next to my bed in the evenings. Hell, if I was thinking I should have bought the whole shelf because now I have anxiety that I will grow custom to that smell, think of her, and not be able to buy that candle anymore. So is my life. I accept that I am a bereaved mom.
I stayed up until 3am this morning and made this montage. I watched it more times then I will even be able to count. Then it happened. I cried. Not just “shed a few tears like I always do” cry. I cried harder than I have in a long, long time. Ugly cry. The kind that makes you gasp for air and then start that horrible gagging because it has now taken over your body and your need to expel it out. Yep that kind. The kind that hurts so bad your throat burns and you feel like you’ll never catch your breath again. (I am so thankful at 2am my cousin Dawn Hill answered her phone and didn’t mind me ugly crying for an hour with her.)
All I can ask myself over and over again is “WHY ME???” “WHY MY CHILD???” This is not the life I ask for. This is not the fairytale ending we all want for our kids. Living without your child is painfully hard. It also brings with it a painful since of loneliness. You see because no matter “how good” life is. I can’t help to wonder how much better life would be with her here again right now.
What I can say is I am a better person for knowing her, loving her, and missing her. I love deeper. I love stronger. During the holidays, or any day for that matter, I am still eternally grateful that I was chosen to be her mother. Merry Christmas in heaven Myesha Reed. Mommy loves you so much. FIM <3 F

Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 21. Have you ever been so afraid of failing at something that you decided not to try it at all? Or has a fear of failure meant that, subconsciously, you undermined your own efforts to avoid the possibility of a larger failure? I’m sure we can all answer “yes” to this at some point in our lives. But at some point we all have to overcome our fears of failure and at least try. Both of my girls are blessed with the gift of song. Each one has a style all of their own, but stage fright always holds them back from exploring and pursuing their talent to achieve greatness. At the end of the day, it’s not about being the best. It’s not about taking 1st place. It’s about overcoming your fear of failure and at least trying. When it’s all said and done, it never matters to me if anybody else thinks they are “The Best” or not. They will always be #1 to me. It takes a lot of inner strength to get up on a stage, by yourself, in front of an audience and sing. Myesha finally overcame her fears in middle school and made the final competition in her High School talent contest 2 different years. I had forgot about this moment until her Godmother, Bobbi Jo Dixon, reminded me of it a few weeks ago and luckily still had it saved from when her and Sharon Coupland went that night to support her. Be still my heart. <3 I remember Myesha trying to decide what song to sing for this showcase. She loved “Pink”!! Hell, we all love “Pink”!! In fact, this was the CD I found in her CD player after she died. She said this song in particular reminded her of her dad in so many ways so she wanted to sing a song that meant something to her. Good girl!! It was a last minute song change literally 2 days before. She practiced and practiced in the living room in front of me and her sister. She was so nervous that she would forget the words or screw up. I told her it didn’t matter. That she was talented enough that even if she did, she could always just make the song her own and wing it. She did just that and pulled it off. I was soo proud of her that night and I still am today!!! She didn’t win with the judges. But she of course won 1st place with me!! Why??? Not because I’m her mother and that’s my job, lol. Because she tried. She overcame her fears. That’s what it’s all about!! Don’t ever let anyone tell you you can’t do something, or you’re not good enough. That is their own self-doubt. I believe if you put your mind to it, you can achieve whatever you put your mind to!! So today I challenge each and everyone of you to do something that scares you. Do something you never thought you can do! Prove everyone wrong, but most importantly, prove it to yourself that you can!!! Chloe was selected for a solo part in her Christmas performance next Thursday! I can tell you already, that she will be the best singer on the stage!!! In the words of "Pink", "That last kiss, I'll cherish, until we meet again...my darling...WHO KNEW..." Mommy loves you Myesha Reed and Chloe Wiley, my beautiful ROCKSTAR singers! FIM <3 F

Forevery In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 20. So here we are. The month of December. The Christmas season is upon us. The kids and I managed to go out and get our real Christmas tree Wednesday night. The kids picked it out and Corban was such a “little man” helping carry the tree and tie it to the top of the van. It was surreal. We did it without “her”. He was oblivious to the emotions Chloe and I were feeling. But we got it home and got it set up. Now will come the time this weekend to pull out the bins that are individually marked with each child’s name that are full of all the ornaments that the kids collected and made over the years. Of course will come the the point where we will have to look and that bin marked “MYESHA” and figure out what to do next…
You see for a bereaved parent, this time of year most likely will not be the season of Yuletide-cheer it once was. The anxiety of the looming holidays will be downright debilitating. I’m quite sure surviving it at points will feel virtually impossible. This is now our new holiday reality. For now anyways.
I expect there will be times that it will be excruciatingly difficult, and might feel more like torture, unlike the average person who has the bubbly feelings of ‘Happy Holidays!!!’ All I have to do at this point is survive. Only I get to decide how best to do that. It will be my new job. No one else’s to figure out. I have come to accept that my heart is the one that is broken beyond repair.
Keyword: SURVIVE
A wise person once told me, “Being able to hold space for contradictory emotions at the same time is a sign of extraordinary emotional maturity. It’s true. You’re not crazy– even though you may feel like it– you’re extraordinary.”
Grief is unpredictable, exhausting, confusing and messy. No one, no one, no one, had the relationship I did with my daughter. No one will feel the exact same piercing agony, pain and longing I do for her. No one will ever imagine how much I cry, and I cry ALOT. How much I cry out, begging her to come home. Come back to me…..
Tis the season. Reflect on your past. Embrace the present. Look to the future. Have you righted your wrongs??? Do you feel good about who you are right now and the direction your life is taking you? Words for thought today.
If I only had more time…Mommy loves you Myesha Reed. FIM <3 F