September 2016 – Forever In My Heart Friday

The toughest part of the day seems to be when everything has slowed down. The work day is done, multi-tasking has ended, and now the only thing you can think about is your child. The loneliness creeps in, leaving behind despair and memories you struggle to hold on to. The grief from losing a child depletes your energy to the point of exhaustion. You never forget the gut wrenching pain you felt as you stood helplessly and watched your child die right in front of you. It’s a nightmare that you learn to live with each and every day.

I will never forget the paralyzing flood of thoughts and emotions from those last 37 hours as my world came crashing down around me. My brain trying desperately to keep up with everything that was happening. There’s no way to adequately describe those frantic, disorienting moments other than to say it was a terrible personal Hell that I’d never wish upon anyone. Those moments will always be as vivid as if they happened yesterday. Like a movie put on “Replay”, it never escapes far from my mind.

When your child dies life as you once knew it is no longer. That stained glass window to your soul has been shattered into a million pieces. All you can do is lie down, be still in your thoughts and try not to move so that the glass doesn’t cut you anymore than it has. The shattered pieces of your heart have left you with nothing more than utter confusion, disbelief, turmoil, and pain. Finding the strength to get up and put yourself back together is a journey that takes time, faith and courage. It’s finding that “glue” inside yourself and turning that broken heart into a most beautiful mosaic. Never the same. Forever changed. Those shattered pieces that you “glue” back together are a marker to all you have endured. The edges will always have a sharpness to them however, that will never change. Those sharp edges are your constant reminder of how fragile life is and how deeply it can cut even the toughest of hearts. But unlike before, you will shine from different angles. The sun will reflect a new image of strength. You have grown more than you can imagine. This reconstructed mosaic piece of art, known as your heart and soul is a beautiful tribute and also a heavy toll that you learn to live with.

The truth is, the idea that my child will one day be forgotten, is one of my greatest fears. Letting go, in any capacity, is going to feel like the ultimate betrayal…

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Losing someone we love is hard. Accepting loss is extremely challenging. Many people learn new lessons about the meaning of life, as well as the meaning of love. These are often difficult lessons, lessons one wishes one did not have to learn in this way. Death is probably the most challenging thing a human can face. It breaks us down. It brings us to our knees. When you lose someone you love the mere thought of living without them feels incredibly overwhelming and incapacitating. You look in the mirror and barely recognize yourself and it’s hard to imagine being a normal person ever again.

Most will have grown stronger as a result of the loss they have experienced. They grow more mature, have more understanding of others and more aware of themselves. Many people learn new lessons about the meaning of life, as well as the meaning of love. You learn that you can do things for other’s and realize that you can still make a difference in others’ lives, even if you’re desperately missing a loved one.

Even though you are sad about the death, you find it hard to access the emotions. I want you to imagine that one day you get on a roller coaster and as it climbs, falls, twists and turns you realize that you feel nothing. You are sitting in a tiny cart being whipped around like a wet noodle, wondering why everyone else is laughing, screaming, and throwing their hands in the air. There you are left feeling nothing.

Feeling nothing is not akin to feeling ‘okay,’ underwhelmed, or unenthused. Feeling nothing is more like feeling empty, dead inside or simply emotionless. When you feel nothing, the world seems to make less sense. You stop trying so hard to understand why the person you loved so much was taken away. You’ve come to accept it, but it doesn’t seem to make you feel any better. Friends and family show up in support and say things like, “I can only imagine everything you must be feeling right now” and you begin to feel guilty because you’re not crying with them or in front of them. You’ve built up this wall and have learned to control those feelings and bury them deep inside, only letting them out in privacy now.

There is no prescribed way to grieve. Many cry and some do not. Many feel very sad and want to talk about it. Others want to deal with it more on their own. Some people feel worse early on, while others find that their most difficult times come months or sometimes even years afterwards. You have to accept the emotions of grief for just what they are… just feelings. Queen Elizabeth II once said, “Grief is the price we pay for love.”

The journey through grief is long but there is no race and no competition. It’s a journey within you. There will be days when you will feel stronger than ever and some days will bring you back to your knees.

Just remember: The rollercoaster is the journey.

Progress is being made every day you choose to take another breath.

You are alive. You are strong. You will survive.

Mommy loves you Myesha!