Forever In My Heart Friday. FIMHF. Week 23. (So I’m blogging a day early so I can enjoy Christmas tomorrow with my mom, Chloe and Corban.) I have so quickly learned that grief has a nasty way of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. It can ruin even the most joyful moments. Like when you go to the donut shop and usually buy everyone 2 donuts so you always have to buy the dozen box because that’s “8” donuts you have to buy. But now you only have to get the half-dozen because you only need “6” now. Yep, that happened to me yesterday. I had to fight back the tears. Then wrapping presents, fight back the tears. Then wrapping the “Christmas Eve Pajama box”, (drumroll for our big tradition), now feeling my chest tighten, my breath quicken, still holding back tears. Then I’m sitting in church last night and Paster Mark is preaching about our eternal goal is to just “GET HOME”. H-O-M-E. It made me think hard. You know they say “Home is where the heart is.” Well that eternal home is where a huge piece of mine is right now. It’s an ache that perpetually aches in my body. In my soul. Down deep into my bones it does.
We bought a candle last night at Yankee Candle called “Angel Wings” to burn for the next 2 days in Myesha’s honor. I bought an extra 1 to burn next to my bed in the evenings. Hell, if I was thinking I should have bought the whole shelf because now I have anxiety that I will grow custom to that smell, think of her, and not be able to buy that candle anymore. So is my life. I accept that I am a bereaved mom.
I stayed up until 3am this morning and made this montage. I watched it more times then I will even be able to count. Then it happened. I cried. Not just “shed a few tears like I always do” cry. I cried harder than I have in a long, long time. Ugly cry. The kind that makes you gasp for air and then start that horrible gagging because it has now taken over your body and your need to expel it out. Yep that kind. The kind that hurts so bad your throat burns and you feel like you’ll never catch your breath again. (I am so thankful at 2am my cousin Dawn Hill answered her phone and didn’t mind me ugly crying for an hour with her.)
All I can ask myself over and over again is “WHY ME???” “WHY MY CHILD???” This is not the life I ask for. This is not the fairytale ending we all want for our kids. Living without your child is painfully hard. It also brings with it a painful since of loneliness. You see because no matter “how good” life is. I can’t help to wonder how much better life would be with her here again right now.
What I can say is I am a better person for knowing her, loving her, and missing her. I love deeper. I love stronger. During the holidays, or any day for that matter, I am still eternally grateful that I was chosen to be her mother. Merry Christmas in heaven Myesha Reed. Mommy loves you so much. FIM <3 F
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